Is Love Learned or Born in Us?

I picked up Leo Buscaglia’s book Love expecting something soft. What I found was a challenge. Buscaglia argues that love is a learned behavior. That we’re not born knowing how to love. We’re taught. And most of us are taught badly.

That claim sits in tension with what I’d learned earlier in the adventure. The neuroscience research shows that love is a brain drive. That we’re wired for connection from birth. That attachment begins in infancy before language or learning.

So which is it? Are we born to love, or do we learn it?

I think the answer is both. We’re born with the capacity for love. The hardware is there. But the software, how we express love, who we believe deserves it, what we think it looks like, all of that is learned. And too often, what we learn is fear dressed up as love.

Buscaglia wrote about how schools teach math, science, and reading but never teach love. That hit me. We leave the most important human skill to chance and wonder why people struggle with it.

I also found myself thinking about Briddge Orius, who I’d spoken with earlier in the adventure. She works with young children and sees how early the patterns set in. How quickly kids learn which emotions are acceptable and which ones need to be hidden.

Maybe the question isn’t whether love is learned or born. Maybe the question is: what are we learning that’s getting in the way of what we were born with? And can we unlearn it?

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Learn more about the adventure at www.heart-strong.org